The first two weeks on anti-depressants and the scariest experience I’ve had!

It’s been two weeks since I started on anti-depressants. My therapist and my Doctor said that the first two weeks would be the hardest part as my brain gets used to the new chemicals. And now that the two weeks are completed I feel I can write about it.

Well, for the first day or two I didn’t feel anything different, I thought “humm maybe I’ll be an exception and will have an easy transition”. So naive right? day 3 kicked me in with a punch in the stomach. I woke up with a high anxiety level, almost couldn’t concentrate on work. My doctor told me to take a calming med he gave me for times like this, so I did and it helped, from there I had bad anxiety for a couple of days, then a few days later random parts of my body would start itching in different times of the day. Well I knew it was expected so I didn’t worry about it. Then it happened: a little bit after the first week, I woke up at 5 in the morning and had a panic attack, a very very very scary one. probably the scariest I have ever had. Out of NOTHING in a matter or 10 seconds my WHOLE BODY got really HOT,  the sensation was almost like I was burning from the inside, the whole body, and even my face! My heart was racing really fast and all my nerves felt stiff! I jumped out of bed and run upstairs to wake my flatmate up to take me to the hospital because I thought I was dying! That was the worst feeling EVER! Then just as I was going to knock the door I realized I was sweating like mad and it was expelling the hit out and regulating the temperature in my body. I sat there on the stairs and started breathing in and out slowly, trying to calm myself down. I was not dying. What a relief. after a couple of minutes, I went back downstairs and sat on the couch. I started crying like a baby. It had just been the scariest experience ever. I had no idea that your body could hit up like that so suddenly! I wrote a text to my therapist that early in the morning. She was already in her office and she recorded her reply in an audio message, she had a calming music in the background and reassured me that all was well, I cried for a while… but it amazing to be able to get those words right there when I needed.

I got up and went to work. I should have stayed home relaxing after that… but if I didn’t go to work that day, it was one of those days where there would be no one else available to stuff that needed to be done on the day, so I let the sense of responsibility talk louder. I wasn’t very productive but managed to get through the day. After work, I went home had a shower and went straight to bed and had an early sleep, my body and mind were so tired I slept all the way through.

Well, that was the worst part of the first two weeks. And now I know that if I ever get that again it won’t affect me that much as I know it’s not death knocking my door (haha) It’s just another bodily sensation created by a panic attack. And just like every other one, it’s just a wave that comes and goes. After that day I have been feeling less and less side effects and I might be getting to the point where my body is used to it and it will actually kick-in and start working as it normally does.

It’s been like a roller coaster! But I am proud of myself for not giving up and I’ll give myself that. I am loving myself. And the journey to learn to love is not always easy and beautiful, but knowing I’m going in the right direction is comforting. The only person responsible for my well being and happiness is myself and learning to love myself it’s been an amazing journey (with highs and lows, but still amazing). We’ll just keep walking!

See you next time!

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For years I felt like I lost myself somewhere along the way. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I no longer knew what I liked or what I wanted to be. It was almost like all I knew about myself was a shadow from a bright girl I once was. I had forgotten what a good genuine laughter felt like. But I can’t blame myself because all the way I always thought I was choosing the right path, but again and again I ended up in the same place where I couldn’t recognise myself. This long journey revealed me a pattern: every time I lost myself was because I was willing to not be myself in order to please somebody else. This was one of the greatest discoveries for me, and now I finally realise: I gotta protect myself. Protect that bright girl that is still here, and I am bringing her out again. Going anywhere, being with anyone or achieving anything means nothing if I haven’t got my real self there with me. If my real self is not enough, I’ll just walk away and keep looking for a place where I am… It’s been a long journey of highs and lows, but every high and every low is important in the process of discovering what really matters.

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It was like if my soul couldn’t react

Have you ever felt like the whole strength you have can only guarantee you keep breathing to stay alive and survive another day?.

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you feel is the heaviness in your chest, you open your eyes and realize it’s another day you have to face (and this if you actually had any sleep at all last night). That heaviness on your chest is like a heavy stone that stays there all day, compressing your soul and making you feel like there is a knot in your throat. You don’t want to get out of bed. You feel so wearied out because you’ve been carrying that stone on your chest for a such a long time. That heaviness never goes away and grows bigger, it’s almost suffocating. You see life happening around you and it’s like you can only watch it pass by, it’s like if your soul can’t react, you feel helpless because years can go by this way and you don’t have strength to get out of that place. All you wanted was to be able to grab that stone and throw it away, as far away as you could. You don’t remember what it feels like to be light and easy.

I have been there. That was my every day for about two years and it felt like it would never go away. Felt like this would be “me” for the rest of my life and it made me not want to live anymore. You lose all hope, all enjoyment of life, and even when you try getting out and doing something you used to love, it’s almost like you are frozen inside, you can not feel that thrill and excitement and this is the weirdest sensation! I would never think about taking my own life, because of my beliefs, that was never an option for me. But when I was in that place, it was like if for that moment in time I was given the opportunity to enter the dark room from where people who commit suicide jump. It’s like a really really dark room on the edge of a very very high cliff and it feels like there is no where else to go. I had the chance to understand what they feel and why they do it, you just don’t want to live anymore, your brain is so tired of the prolonged suffering that it doesn’t want to even think that there is a way out, because it feels so complicated and impossible that you will be able to live a normal life again, you dread the idea of living another year like this, you dread a lifetime living like this. And the funniest thing is that people who live around you have no clue of what goes inside.

I felt compassion and sadness for the lives that could not turn and walk away from that dark room. And if you are in that dark room right now, I need to tell you, don’t jump. There is way out and you can do it. There is so much to live for! I know you can not see it yet because the chemicals in a depressed mind just make you blind to that. But the way out is still there, even when you can’t see it. And the journey out is not an easy or a quick one. It’s a long process, but SO worth it. And no one else in this world is more worth to fight for but yourself. Doesn’t matter if your depression was generated because of what others did to you. If someone didn’t love you and made your life hell. You can love yourself, and you can work to get out of there, step by step, and if it doesn’t come naturally, it is something you can learn. You can learn to love yourself.

I would like to encourage you to go and find a professional Counselor therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist. If you don’t have the strength to look for one, pleas ask a friend you trust to find one for you. There is sunshine out there waiting for you, there is a cold breeze in a hot day waiting to blow on your face making you feel alive and able to get excited again! There are smiles and laughter waiting for you. The journey to get there is not easy! It’s the hardest! But if you are still here, know one thing: you are strong and you can do it. I am still in my journey and I am still struggling to believe I am strong, and it’s like a roller coaster, big highs and big lows, but its moving and we will get there!

We walk through it and we will get there. There is no other way out but through. And we can do it.

Struggles of a tired mind – journey to healing begins

I am starting on therapy and anti-depressants this week. This is the first time in my life that I’m trying it. I have done therapy before, but never with a real awareness that I’ve got depression and I need to treat it. Even now, saying it sounds surreal to me. I still resist the idea that I’ve got it. Probably because life has always been like this to me and I will explain in the next post why. I guess it’s normal that you think there is nothing wrong with you when that is the only “world” you have always known. It kind of becomes your “normal”, until you feel there’s something wrong, and then you ignore it and think “maybe it’s just different”. Fine line there.. Where is the balance spot between what is abnormal and needs to be sorted and what is just “different” and should be embraced?

Now that I have finally admitted to myself, I actually think I have battled with depression on-and-off during my whole life, yes: since I was a little girl. I have always been a great self-analyzer and self-critical person and I believe this has helped me to grow out of depressive moments in my life as I learned more and more about myself. But I never ever stopped and thought: I need to treat this, I need to get to the bottom of it (although it has certainly been what I most wanted unconsciously).  well, this time I will. I feel I’ve found the right professional to help me and I will share my experience here with you guys. It’s actually a bit scary to write about it. But I feel I need to. I have always loved to write and I let this side of mine sleep for many years (probably consequence of on-and-off depressive mood). And although sharing it makes me feel super vulnerable it also helps me and I hope that sharing will also help others who are going through the same thing. We can share experiences and help each other.

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