It was like if my soul couldn’t react

Have you ever felt like the whole strength you have can only guarantee you keep breathing to stay alive and survive another day?

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you feel is the heaviness in your chest, you open your eyes and realize it’s another day you have to face (and this if you actually had any sleep at all last night). That heaviness on your chest is like a heavy stone that stays there all day, compressing your soul and making you feel like there is a knot in your throat. You don’t want to get out of bed. You feel so wearied out because you’ve been carrying that stone on your chest for a such a long time. That heaviness never goes away and grows bigger, it’s almost suffocating. You see life happening around you and it’s like you can only watch it pass by, it’s like if your soul can’t react, you feel helpless because years can go by this way and you don’t have strength to get out of that place. All you wanted was to be able to grab that stone and throw it away, as far away as you could. You don’t remember what it feels like to be light and easy.

I have been there. That was my every day for about two years and it felt like it would never go away. Felt like this would be “me” for the rest of my life and it made me not want to live anymore. You lose all hope, all enjoyment of life, and even when you try getting out and doing something you used to love, it’s almost like you are frozen inside, you can not feel that thrill and excitement and this is the weirdest sensation! I would never think about taking my own life, because of my beliefs, that was never an option for me. But when I was in that place, it was like if for that moment in time I was given the opportunity to enter the dark room from where people who commit suicide jump. It’s like a really really dark room on the edge of a very very high cliff and it feels like there is no where else to go. I had the chance to understand what they feel and why they do it, you just don’t want to live anymore, your brain is so tired of the prolonged suffering that it doesn’t want to even think that there is a way out, because it feels so complicated and impossible that you will be able to live a normal life again, you dread the idea of living another year like this, you dread a lifetime living like this. And the funniest thing is that people who live around you have no clue of what goes inside.

I felt compassion and sadness for the lives that could not turn and walk away from that dark room. And if you are in that dark room right now, I need to tell you, don’t jump. There is way out and you can do it. There is so much to live for! I know you can not see it yet because the chemicals in a depressed mind just make you blind to that. But the way out is still there, even when you can’t see it. And the journey out is not an easy or a quick one. It’s a long process, but SO worth it. And no one else in this world is more worth to fight for but yourself. Doesn’t matter if your depression was generated because of what others did to you. If someone didn’t love you and made your life hell. You can love yourself, and you can work to get out of there, step by step, and if it doesn’t come naturally, it is something you can learn. You can learn to love yourself.

I would like to encourage you to go and find a professional Counselor therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist. If you don’t have the strength to look for one, pleas ask a friend you trust to find one for you. There is sunshine out there waiting for you, there is a cold breeze in a hot day waiting to blow on your face making you feel alive and able to get excited again! There are smiles and laughter waiting for you. The journey to get there is not easy! It’s the hardest! But if you are still here, know one thing: you are strong and you can do it. I am still in my journey and I am still struggling to believe I am strong, and it’s like a roller coaster, big highs and big lows, but its moving and we will get there!

We walk through it and we will get there. There is no other way out but through. And we can do it.

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