It’s been two weeks since I started on anti-depressants. My therapist and my Doctor said that the first two weeks would be the hardest part as my brain gets used to the new chemicals. And now that the two weeks are completed I feel I can write about it.
Well, for the first day or two I didn’t feel anything different, I thought “humm maybe I’ll be an exception and will have an easy transition”. So naive right? day 3 kicked me in with a punch in the stomach. I woke up with a high anxiety level, almost couldn’t concentrate on work. My doctor told me to take a calming med he gave me for times like this, so I did and it helped, from there I had bad anxiety for a couple of days, then a few days later random parts of my body would start itching in different times of the day. Well I knew it was expected so I didn’t worry about it. Then it happened: a little bit after the first week, I woke up at 5 in the morning and had a panic attack, a very very very scary one. probably the scariest I have ever had. Out of NOTHING in a matter or 10 seconds my WHOLE BODY got really HOT, the sensation was almost like I was burning from the inside, the whole body, and even my face! My heart was racing really fast and all my nerves felt stiff! I jumped out of bed and run upstairs to wake my flatmate up to take me to the hospital because I thought I was dying! That was the worst feeling EVER! Then just as I was going to knock the door I realized I was sweating like mad and it was expelling the hit out and regulating the temperature in my body. I sat there on the stairs and started breathing in and out slowly, trying to calm myself down. I was not dying. What a relief. after a couple of minutes, I went back downstairs and sat on the couch. I started crying like a baby. It had just been the scariest experience ever. I had no idea that your body could hit up like that so suddenly! I wrote a text to my therapist that early in the morning. She was already in her office and she recorded her reply in an audio message, she had a calming music in the background and reassured me that all was well, I cried for a while… but it amazing to be able to get those words right there when I needed.
I got up and went to work. I should have stayed home relaxing after that… but if I didn’t go to work that day, it was one of those days where there would be no one else available to stuff that needed to be done on the day, so I let the sense of responsibility talk louder. I wasn’t very productive but managed to get through the day. After work, I went home had a shower and went straight to bed and had an early sleep, my body and mind were so tired I slept all the way through.
Well, that was the worst part of the first two weeks. And now I know that if I ever get that again it won’t affect me that much as I know it’s not death knocking my door (haha) It’s just another bodily sensation created by a panic attack. And just like every other one, it’s just a wave that comes and goes. After that day I have been feeling less and less side effects and I might be getting to the point where my body is used to it and it will actually kick-in and start working as it normally does.
It’s been like a roller coaster! But I am proud of myself for not giving up and I’ll give myself that. I am loving myself. And the journey to learn to love is not always easy and beautiful, but knowing I’m going in the right direction is comforting. The only person responsible for my well being and happiness is myself and learning to love myself it’s been an amazing journey (with highs and lows, but still amazing). We’ll just keep walking!
See you next time!