I woke up earlier than usual and my first thought was to put some nice music on. So I did.
Suddenly the idea of getting up and cooking myself scrambled eggs and toast (and a nice black coffee of course) seemed exciting and natural. I took my music with me and danced while I was cooking. Until that moment and for 2 more hours I would not realise what was really happening right there. I ate my delicious breakfast and went to work. Half way through the morning I received a text from someone special asking how my morning was going. I quickly gave the usual automatic answer we all do “yeah, it’s going fine”… and then it hit me something fantastic had happened that day and I didn’t realise: I woke up and I felt like getting out of bed and living. Just the idea of doing something for myself (like breakfast) seemed to be a good reason to get up. I then realised I had NO IDEA how long it had been since I last felt like getting out of bed in the morning, I only knew it had been many years and I didn’t even remember what it felt like, because not wanting to get up had become the new normal. I felt one of those effortless tears rolling down my face and touching the light smile that realisation brought to my face.Suddenly I realised there was some hope that I could have one of those “normal” lives People with no depression have.
When you have depression getting out of bed seems pointless. The only reason I would get up was because there were bills to be paid and I needed to work for that. I always was aware of that feeling that wanted to make me stay in bed all day and always forced myself out just because I rationally knew that wasn’t healthy. So I would take myself out for breakfast, for a walk, for a road trip, for a holiday… even when I was not enjoying it because of the chemical imbalance depression causes in the brain making it impossible for you to enjoy life and even enjoy what you love. So I never (almost never) let myself just stay in a dark bedroom all day, although that was what I felt like doing. But it was all merely informed decision, because I am an educated person and I had awareness of what was happening and I knew that if I stopped fighting the water would submerge and my boat would sink.
So yes, waking up in the morning and WANTING to get up and cook scrambled eggs was a HUGE deal.
Depression was like if I was in a boat, full of holes, where I had to fight all the time with my bucket to get rid of the water that was constantly coming through those holes and I was constantly tired of fighting to not let the boat sink…. then when I woke up and WANTED to get out of bed for the first time in years was like if for 5 seconds I lifted my head up and saw my boat was heading to a harbour and I would be there soon and have firm ground under my feet.
Those scrambled eggs were more than just food, they were a reminder I was heading in the right direction.
Ah, and it happened on the week 3 of anti-depressants. My therapist said it was a sign my brain was starting to react to treatment.
I’ve seen quite a few people following me since I started this blog.. and I would like to thank you guys. It feels nice to know there’s people out there wanting what I have to share…