In my last therapy session my therapist had given me an exercise to think about and write on a paper how my life had been up to now in relation to being present in the present or if I thought I lived too much in the past or future. I thought it was VERY interesting because this was a thing I *always* (since my early 20’s) wanted to address and talk about in a therapy session.
Anyway: I finally told her that something that had always bothered me was that throughout my life all these years (I’m 33 now) I had always been bothered by the fact that my mind always seemed to be in the future. Either long term future or just “what am I going to do in 10 min time?” And I mentioned it to her, that a LOT of times I have found myself trying to concentrate on the present because even when I was doing something I really liked, it was almost as if I couldn’t enjoy it completely because I still then I would be thinking “what’s my next task?” “Where am I going in 1 hour when I finish here?”, what’s next? “what is next”?.
When I said it to her I was expecting her to say how this was bad and how I had to try and concentrate in the present. (Which is also right) but no, she said the opposite, she said “hey, this was a very good thing and this is probably why you are still here and you got through all you did”, my mind went blank for a few seconds with her response.
Well, I have talked to her a lot about all the emotional abuse I had to face my whole life, and when I thought I would be free from it a few years ago, I actually found myself trapped in a even more hurtful situation for years again (and that was when I had my greatest breakdown ever, from what I am still recovering, hence I am doing therapy, where I found out I have been dealing with depression for longer than I thought).
When she said that I didn’t know what to think a first, my first reaction wast to think “how can this be good?”.
Then she explained to me that “me” being this way was actually a result of my brain taking care of myself, helping me cope with life. All along my mind was automatically keeping my mind so busy that I wouldn’t be “in the present” that was SO hurtful and this way I had a way to keep going and achieve things I wouldn’t have if I stopped in the cold freezing present back then. She said my mind used of that tool to keep me safe and now it was time learn no live in the present, because I am not in that place anymore. I have tears rolling down my face as I write this, because I feel I finally reached that time, the time I can live in the present. It took so many courageous moves in moments where I felt I had no ground, but even when I was paralysed in my years, I gathered the strength to move myself out of that whole world of abuse and fear. And I finally feel I can live in the present. Actually my exercise this week is to try reminding myself to be in the present as much as possible, and it has been a great exercise to remind myself to be the present and not fear it. I still have so much to learn but now I can look myself in the mirror and love who I see.
This discovery made me love myself even more, I found out that all those years I was taking care of myself and didn’t even know. I am amazed. The human mind is something wonderfully made.
I would like to encourage you to find in yourself ways you have been protecting yourself and you didn’t even realise. Maybe this will help you to walk another step towards learning to love yourself.
Hugs people! Welcome new followers! ❤