Close my eyes and I am facing the younger me.

She was too young to feel anguish, but she did.

As just a 5 year old girl, she would get up everyday, very tired and wondering how long it would take for school to be over. She would feel so wearied  out that her first thought getting up in the morning was “I am going to sleep the whole afternoon  after school”, but she never did, she couldn’t sleep in the afternoon even if she tried hard. She didn’t have many friends, she onlyhad the neighbour’s girl, and another girl that studied in the same class as her.  Though she had two siblings, they studied in the opposite time of the day so after school she spent a lot of time alone.

Every day she would walk to the window  of her simple but big and strong house, and get introspective, there was this aching inside her chest that she didn’t know what it was, neither why she had it, but it would always come with the sun set time, after a while she developed this fear of the end of the day, because she knew that ache would come back, and she didn’t know how to change or fight it. One day she was so sad because of how that feeling made her captive, she walked to the bedroom and jumped the little fence to get into the cot where she still slept, she sat there by herself and the tears started pouring down, why this pain would not go away?

Her mama found her in the cot crying, she didn’t stop crying, she didn’t care that her mama was seeing her that way, she didn’t ask why. Mama observed her for a few minutes and said: “you’re feeling anguish”.  She was a very simple woman, she loved her children but she didn’t know how to help them, she hadn’t had much help from her parents either. But in that moment, that statement brought a name for that pain. Anguish. Nothing was done about it. The way it was, it stayed. That little girl would have to find answers by herself… and she already knew it.

At the age of 33 I found out that I have been battling against depression since I was a little girl. I didn’t know it for most of the time up to here, as this was just what life was like for me since I remember. I wasn’t aware that it was depression.

Learning about yourself frees your spirit in a way I never could imagine.

Now a lot of things make sense, and it warms my heart to think I can close my eyes, look at that little girl, and in my mind just give her a long big hug and say “keep going little warrior, everything is going to be alright”.

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