I didn’t know what endorphins release felt like!!!

I found out last week that I never knew what it felt like to have your brain releasing endorphins during workout. I have always exercised (on and off) and it was always a very rational decision, cause I knew it would help with my general health and mind. So I did it like that, kinda forcing me. I never felt that “good feeling” while or after exercising, all I felt was just that I was proud of myself for doing it and in my mind THAT was the good feeling people were talking about when they said exercising liberated endorphins!

THEN, last week I went to the gym for the first time after I started on anti-depressant. I was going constantly before I started the meds, but I had a lot of changes in the last couple of months (new job, moved to a new city etc..) so I hadn’t found my new gym yet.

Anyway, 10,15 minutes into Cardio it was just the same as always, boring, I was hating it but forcing myself to do it. (LOL). Then about 20 minutes into it I started feeling this AMAZING feeling! Like if I could actually feel my body releasing stress and anxiety and they were leaving my body and my body was just becoming lighter and lighter and I started LOVING the feeling of exercising! I had never ever EVER felt that before! when I went home I was feeling so energized, light and happy! I texted my therapist straight away and asked what’s that! what’s happening!?

She said that this good feeling I got was actually the NORMAL for people to feel. I had never felt it because obviously my brain was in lack of balance of the chemicals of well being (as I mentioned before, she said I’ve been depressed probably since childhood and never knew it) so I never knew what it felt like. So, now that it has been about 4 months since I started taking the anti-depressant, my brain is starting to get the chemical balance and felt safe enough to release endorphins and cortisol while I exercised and this is a great great sign that the treatment is working! I just really want to keep exercising now!

It’s exciting to get to know a side of life you never knew existed!

(by the way, I actually hurt my back at the gym last week, I think I got a bit too excited and did a bit more than I should hahaha So I’m treating my back and once it’s ok I’ll get back to the gym and be more careful with the weight lifting part).

Another step on the journey through depression that I wanted to share with you guys.

P.s.: Almost every day I get notifications that people are following my blog and this warms my heart to know there’s people out there that want to hear my story and hopefully my experience can help or inspire someone to fight for themselves, doesn’t matter in what stage of depression you are. I was in a very very deep one, and it has been a long journey to get out of the mud I was buried in, but it’s so worth it! Please get yourself on the journey if you haven’t started yet… A lot of days you won’t feel any difference, but keep walking! there IS light in the end of the tunnel!

Hugs people 🙂

“When you have depression it’s like it snows every day”

“Some days it’s only a couple of inches. It’s a pain in the a**, but you still make it to work, the grocery store. Sure, maybe you skip the gym or your friend’s birthday party, but it IS still snowing and who knows how bad it might get tonight. Probably better to just head home.

Your friend notices, but probably just thinks you are flaky now, or kind of an a**hole.

Some days it snows a foot. You spend an hour shovelling out your driveway and are late to work. Your back and hands hurt from shovelling. You leave early because it’s really coming down out there. Your boss notices.

Some days it snows four feet. You shovel all morning but your street never gets ploughed.

You are not making it to work, or anywhere else for that matter. You are so sore and tired you just get back in the bed. By the time you wake up, all your shovelling has filled back in with snow. Looks like your phone rang; people are wondering where you are.

You don’t feel like calling them back, too tired from all the shovelling. Plus they don’t get this much snow at their house so they don’t understand why you’re still stuck at home. They just think you’re lazy or weak, although they rarely come out and say it.

Some weeks it’s a full-blown blizzard. When you open your door, it’s to a wall of snow. The power flickers, then goes out. It’s too cold to sit in the living room anymore, so you get back into bed with all your clothes on. The stove and microwave won’t work so you eat a cold Pop Tart and call that dinner. You haven’t taken a shower in three days, but how could you at this point? You’re too cold to do anything except sleep.

Sometimes people get snowed in for the winter. The cold seeps in. No communication in or out. The food runs out. What can you even do, tunnel out of a forty foot snow bank with your hands? How far away is help? Can you even get there in a blizzard? If you do, can they even help you at this point? Maybe it’s death to stay here, but it’s death to go out there too.

The thing is, when it snows all the time, you get worn all the way down. You get tired of being cold. You get tired of hurting all the time from shovelling, but if you don’t shovel on the light days, it builds up to something unmanageable on the heavy days. You resent the hell out of the snow, but it doesn’t care, it’s just a blind chemistry, an act of nature. It carries on regardless, unconcerned and unaware if it buries you or the whole world.

Also, the snow builds up in other areas, places you can’t shovel, sometimes places you can’t even see. Maybe it’s on the roof. Maybe it’s on the mountain behind the house. Sometimes, there’s an avalanche that blows the house right off its foundation and takes you with it. A veritable Act of God, nothing can be done. The neighbours say it’s a shame and they can’t understand it; he was doing so well with his shovelling.”

(Someone sent me this text, I don’t know who’s the Author, but thought it was an amazing description..”