Struggles of a tired mind – journey to healing begins

I am starting on therapy and anti-depressants this week. This is the first time in my life that I’m trying it. I have done therapy before, but never with a real awareness that I’ve got depression and I need to treat it. Even now, saying it sounds surreal to me. I still resist the idea that I’ve got it. Probably because life has always been like this to me and I will explain in the next post why. I guess it’s normal that you think there is nothing wrong with you when that is the only “world” you have always known. It kind of becomes your “normal”, until you feel there’s something wrong, and then you ignore it and think “maybe it’s just different”. Fine line there.. Where is the balance spot between what is abnormal and needs to be sorted and what is just “different” and should be embraced?

Now that I have finally admitted to myself, I actually think I have battled with depression on-and-off during my whole life, yes: since I was a little girl. I have always been a great self-analyzer and self-critical person and I believe this has helped me to grow out of depressive moments in my life as I learned more and more about myself. But I never ever stopped and thought: I need to treat this, I need to get to the bottom of it (although it has certainly been what I most wanted unconsciously).  well, this time I will. I feel I’ve found the right professional to help me and I will share my experience here with you guys. It’s actually a bit scary to write about it. But I feel I need to. I have always loved to write and I let this side of mine sleep for many years (probably consequence of on-and-off depressive mood). And although sharing it makes me feel super vulnerable it also helps me and I hope that sharing will also help others who are going through the same thing. We can share experiences and help each other.

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She had always been a city girl. She has so many many high heels you wouldn’t believe 🙈. Never thought she was missing out on anything for not loving the Outdoors. She was happy in her world made of concrete, suits and high buildings. But in the last few months she fell in love with the outdoors, she fell in love with New Zealand after living here for 5 years. It’s like a whole new world that opened up to her, like a beautiful awakening. She, that city gal that didn’t like to repeat same shoes too many times has now been in her red hiking boots repeatedly more than in any of her heels. Always looked for where were the best malls in any new places, and now her first thought is to find where are the tracks to the most beautiful views (of course the ones she can do, as she’s a beginner – and she’s getting good at it). Might sound really silly, and she can’t explain how exciting this is for her. But it’s a whole new her, and I love her more than ever.

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Hello world!

Hi there look who’s back!  Maybe for you reading it now it doesn’t make sense (who’s this person?), but for me, the one behind the screen at 00:42 (because I’m sleepless right now) it does. I used to write a blog for years,  of course I am not giving it away now because I wrote some embarrassing things my younger silly self used to think. haha The funny thing is that I used to think I was so wise (she stops and clears her throat). Well I guess I did have some understanding of life, have always been ahead of my age (which I still haven’t figured if it’s a good or a bad thing), then moved to journaling, and now after a very inspiring trip to Queenstown I decided to get back writing a personal blog. I’m not going to lie, the main motivator is that I really like the sensation that in 10 years time I’ll be able to look back through these posts and remember and even revive some of the things and thoughts I’ll share. And who know remind myself of things I believe but forgot! the idea sounds very exciting to me!

Just so you know a little bit of myself, I am from Brazil, Brasilia, but I live in New Zealand. It has been about 5 years since I moved here and boy do I have stories to tell…

Well I will share a lot of them, I believe sharing experiences and thoughts and feelings you had when going through life helps. Helps to grow and develop, helps to express and leave behind things that need to be left. helps to look through a different angle, helps to get back excitement to move forward. I believe writting and sharing can heal and inspire. So here I am, trying to dive right back to it. I hope my journey can be somehow interesting, fun, and helpful to people who come here and use some of their time on me!

See you soon!

with care,

Jaq

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