It was like if my soul couldn’t react

Have you ever felt like the whole strength you have can only guarantee you keep breathing to stay alive and survive another day?

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you feel is the heaviness in your chest, you open your eyes and realize it’s another day you have to face (and this if you actually had any sleep at all last night). That heaviness on your chest is like a heavy stone that stays there all day, compressing your soul and making you feel like there is a knot in your throat. You don’t want to get out of bed. You feel so wearied out because you’ve been carrying that stone on your chest for a such a long time. That heaviness never goes away and grows bigger, it’s almost suffocating. You see life happening around you and it’s like you can only watch it pass by, it’s like if your soul can’t react, you feel helpless because years can go by this way and you don’t have strength to get out of that place. All you wanted was to be able to grab that stone and throw it away, as far away as you could. You don’t remember what it feels like to be light and easy.

I have been there. That was my every day for about two years and it felt like it would never go away. Felt like this would be “me” for the rest of my life and it made me not want to live anymore. You lose all hope, all enjoyment of life, and even when you try getting out and doing something you used to love, it’s almost like you are frozen inside, you can not feel that thrill and excitement and this is the weirdest sensation! I would never think about taking my own life, because of my beliefs, that was never an option for me. But when I was in that place, it was like if for that moment in time I was given the opportunity to enter the dark room from where people who commit suicide jump. It’s like a really really dark room on the edge of a very very high cliff and it feels like there is no where else to go. I had the chance to understand what they feel and why they do it, you just don’t want to live anymore, your brain is so tired of the prolonged suffering that it doesn’t want to even think that there is a way out, because it feels so complicated and impossible that you will be able to live a normal life again, you dread the idea of living another year like this, you dread a lifetime living like this. And the funniest thing is that people who live around you have no clue of what goes inside.

I felt compassion and sadness for the lives that could not turn and walk away from that dark room. And if you are in that dark room right now, I need to tell you, don’t jump. There is way out and you can do it. There is so much to live for! I know you can not see it yet because the chemicals in a depressed mind just make you blind to that. But the way out is still there, even when you can’t see it. And the journey out is not an easy or a quick one. It’s a long process, but SO worth it. And no one else in this world is more worth to fight for but yourself. Doesn’t matter if your depression was generated because of what others did to you. If someone didn’t love you and made your life hell. You can love yourself, and you can work to get out of there, step by step, and if it doesn’t come naturally, it is something you can learn. You can learn to love yourself.

I would like to encourage you to go and find a professional Counselor therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist. If you don’t have the strength to look for one, pleas ask a friend you trust to find one for you. There is sunshine out there waiting for you, there is a cold breeze in a hot day waiting to blow on your face making you feel alive and able to get excited again! There are smiles and laughter waiting for you. The journey to get there is not easy! It’s the hardest! But if you are still here, know one thing: you are strong and you can do it. I am still in my journey and I am still struggling to believe I am strong, and it’s like a roller coaster, big highs and big lows, but its moving and we will get there!

We walk through it and we will get there. There is no other way out but through. And we can do it.

Struggles of a tired mind – journey to healing begins

I am starting on therapy and anti-depressants this week. This is the first time in my life that I’m trying it. I have done therapy before, but never with a real awareness that I’ve got depression and I need to treat it. Even now, saying it sounds surreal to me. I still resist the idea that I’ve got it. Probably because life has always been like this to me and I will explain in the next post why. I guess it’s normal that you think there is nothing wrong with you when that is the only “world” you have always known. It kind of becomes your “normal”, until you feel there’s something wrong, and then you ignore it and think “maybe it’s just different”. Fine line there.. Where is the balance spot between what is abnormal and needs to be sorted and what is just “different” and should be embraced?

Now that I have finally admitted to myself, I actually think I have battled with depression on-and-off during my whole life, yes: since I was a little girl. I have always been a great self-analyzer and self-critical person and I believe this has helped me to grow out of depressive moments in my life as I learned more and more about myself. But I never ever stopped and thought: I need to treat this, I need to get to the bottom of it (although it has certainly been what I most wanted unconsciously).  well, this time I will. I feel I’ve found the right professional to help me and I will share my experience here with you guys. It’s actually a bit scary to write about it. But I feel I need to. I have always loved to write and I let this side of mine sleep for many years (probably consequence of on-and-off depressive mood). And although sharing it makes me feel super vulnerable it also helps me and I hope that sharing will also help others who are going through the same thing. We can share experiences and help each other.

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She had always been a city girl. She has so many many high heels you wouldn’t believe 🙈. Never thought she was missing out on anything for not loving the Outdoors. She was happy in her world made of concrete, suits and high buildings. But in the last few months she fell in love with the outdoors, she fell in love with New Zealand after living here for 5 years. It’s like a whole new world that opened up to her, like a beautiful awakening. She, that city gal that didn’t like to repeat same shoes too many times has now been in her red hiking boots repeatedly more than in any of her heels. Always looked for where were the best malls in any new places, and now her first thought is to find where are the tracks to the most beautiful views (of course the ones she can do, as she’s a beginner – and she’s getting good at it). Might sound really silly, and she can’t explain how exciting this is for her. But it’s a whole new her, and I love her more than ever.

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Hello world!

Hi there look who’s back!  Maybe for you reading it now it doesn’t make sense (who’s this person?), but for me, the one behind the screen at 00:42 (because I’m sleepless right now) it does. I used to write a blog for years,  of course I am not giving it away now because I wrote some embarrassing things my younger silly self used to think. haha The funny thing is that I used to think I was so wise (she stops and clears her throat). Well I guess I did have some understanding of life, have always been ahead of my age (which I still haven’t figured if it’s a good or a bad thing), then moved to journaling, and now after a very inspiring trip to Queenstown I decided to get back writing a personal blog. I’m not going to lie, the main motivator is that I really like the sensation that in 10 years time I’ll be able to look back through these posts and remember and even revive some of the things and thoughts I’ll share. And who know remind myself of things I believe but forgot! the idea sounds very exciting to me!

Just so you know a little bit of myself, I am from Brazil, Brasilia, but I live in New Zealand. It has been about 5 years since I moved here and boy do I have stories to tell…

Well I will share a lot of them, I believe sharing experiences and thoughts and feelings you had when going through life helps. Helps to grow and develop, helps to express and leave behind things that need to be left. helps to look through a different angle, helps to get back excitement to move forward. I believe writting and sharing can heal and inspire. So here I am, trying to dive right back to it. I hope my journey can be somehow interesting, fun, and helpful to people who come here and use some of their time on me!

See you soon!

with care,

Jaq

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